Poet - Beginnings
I had been out of the service a little over two years, had mature wicked a steady job, and was living in a house on twelve acres of Missouri rock that was covered in white oak and scrub cedar.
With letting my hair and beard grow, if it wasn't for the job, and visits to the tattoo parlor, I could've made the cover of 'Recluse Monthly'.
Living alone suited me. The thought of getting into another relationship just to have it taken away, made living alone very appealing; besides, Annie would visit my dreams every night.
I kept busy; remodeled the house, built a garage, started writing and drawing a bit, read a lot; mostly history, Native-American culture and some oriental philosophy; and tried damn hard not to look back at yesterday or hope for tomorrow.
I was headed home from work one nasty November evening when I spotted a Marine trying to hitch a ride. This was during the bullshit about 'baby killers' and the anti-war demonstrations. I pulled over.
The best way I can describe this is; a bald headed bear threw a duffle in the back seat and climbed in the front with his paw out, growling, "The name is Steve, my friends call me Joker, and if you ain't my friend tonight, then no mother fucker is."
"Nick." And I waited for the pain as my hand disappeared in his.
Turned out he lived a good ways past me, and to quote, "I'm a free man now. I'm a free man and alive to boot. I got me a sweet old lady and I'm goin' to show her just how fuckin' alive I am."
I took him all the way home. As we pulled up to the house, the porch light came on and the front door opened. He got out of the car and stood there. A woman came flyin' across the yard and leapt into his arms. She was cryin' and he was laughin' while they spun in circles.
Joker finally put her down, stuck his head in the door and invited me in.
"Naw, it looks like you got some business to attend to."
He took a look at the woman, and then turned back saying, "You got that right! Say, you know Pete's Inn? Well, you just get your ass over there tomorrow night. I owe you big time man and I don't forget shit like that. You be there!"
I watched him throw the duffle over one shoulder and a kicking, laughing, screaming woman over the other. I could still hear him laughing as I pulled on to the main road.
Joker's crowd was an extended family of people that weren't afraid of anyone or anything. People that looked life in the eye, insisting that it give them its best shot; and when life thought it had won, they'd spit on it and demand another round.
Good people, one and all, they drew me in, let me be quiet like I am, but listened when I did have something to add. They made me feel at home. They made me feel like I wanted this to be home.
I woke up the next morning with something worse than a hangover. I was lonely. I lay there watching the sunrise through the trees, weighing the contentment of my life to date against the ups and downs of friendships...
I woke up Joker. Made him sit in his kitchen, drink coffee and listen to me. I started to tell him parts of a story so that maybe he would understand why I was backing off from their offer of friendship. I got as far as Annie dying...
"Fuck! You woke me up for this shit? Fuck Nick, get over it! Get laid! I'm goin' back to bed." He got as far as the door and turned with, "Let me know how it turns out." I could hear him mumbling, just like the bear he was, as he walked down the hall.
His wife, Connie was in the kitchen with us, and as she heard the bedroom door shut, sat down next to me saying, "He can be such an asshole sometimes. You really loved her, didn't you?"
"Still do."
"That's ok. There's nothing wrong with that, Nick. You didn't get to tell her goodbye, did you?"
"No."
"Yeah... Now I'm going to tell you a little story. Joker and I had us a baby daughter. She was born with a congenital defect of her heart. There wasn't anything that anybody could do for her, so we brought her home, and we loved her, and we watched her die a little bit at a time. I could almost envy you, Nick."
She was crying as she stood up and walked to the window, hell, she mature wicked had me wanting to cut loose. I followed her, turned her around and gave her a big hug that she returned. She finally let up, took a little step back, smiled, and put her hand on my cheek, saying, "Now that wasn't too bad, was it?"
I smiled.
"Now you go on and do like he said, but play nice, always play nice."
Connie and Joker aren't together anymore; they're still friends and still spend a lot of time with and for each other. I go to Joker for answers. I go to Connie for wisdom.
I said goodbye to Annie, got laid a couple of times, bought an old Harley dresser that I stripped down, and never looked back, until I started writing again.
During the summer months, Pete would have a band on Friday nights. Pete was tellin' Joker and me about his problems with the local heat and underage drinkers, adding, "Joker, I want you to be my bouncer. Nick, I know you don't have a mean bone in your body, but you look the part and sometimes that's all it takes. I want you checkin' IDs at the door."
So we did it for friendship and beer.
We never had any problems; Joker is a big dude, most of the people there knew him, and knew what he was capable of.
A fine lookin' middle age woman came in alone the night of the last band date of the year. Damn, she smelled good. I had seen her around a few times and there was no mistaking the fact that she wasn't underage; but she looked and smelled so damn good; and since you never know what you can do till you try...
"I need to see some ID."
"Oh, well that's so sweet of you, but we both know it isn't really necessary, don't we?"
"I need to see some ID."
"Come on, you've got to be kidding me! Are you blind or something?"
"You don't want to mess around with me little girl."
"Oh? And why is that?"
"Cause I'll fuck that tight little ass of yours and then I'll stick my dic in your mouth", as I tried to twist around to look at her butt.
She acted shocked and left in a hurry, but returned a couple of minutes later; shoving her license at me.
"Are you happy now?"
"Trust me. No", as she watched me try to look at her butt again.
She came back out around midnight and handed me a beer with, "So...you like what you see?"
"Oh yeah."
"Did you mean what you said...before?"
"Oh yeah."
"What time do you get off?"
"Two o'clock."
"I'll be back", then gave a little laugh, wiggled that butt at me, and walked out the door.
Connie left a little bit later with the rest of the crowd. She gave me this strange kinda 'tsk, tsk, tsk' while shaking her head like I had just taken a dump on her kitchen floor or something.
I was sittin' at the bar with Pete and Joker after last call, listening to them bullshit each other about cars, bikes and women; when Joker announced, "Well, that's it for me, you two got the load." He put his hand on my shoulder, said, "Call me tomorrow, you ole dawg." and headed for the door.
"Sure."
She was leaning against an older Ford and smiling at me as I came out the door.
I walked over, leaned with her, arms touching, "My place ok with you?"
She nodded.
"Follow me. Keep up or you'll miss the turn."
My home is always cold, even in the deep summer months, and especially after the sun gets behind the hill. I figure that its from the combination of trees, the spring, and the fact the sun seems to go down around two in the afternoon.
Barbara, (from her license), was hugging herself as she approached the house.
"Barbara, you got a jacket or something?"
"No. And just Barb, ok?"
"Barb it is. I'm...
"Nick."
"You talked to Joker, huh?"
"Yeah; some other people too."
"Ah, women type people?"
"Yeah."
"Hmm."
I ushered her thru the door and handed her a heavy flannel shirt from the hooks where I keep my outer wear, telling her to make herself at home; and headed for the fireplace.
Barb wandered around the room, looking at my books.
"You read all these?"
"Yeah. Can't claim I understand them all, but some of it clicks."
"I have to read a lot, not books, real estate stuff, I'm an agent."
"Must be nice; making people happy."
"Yeah. It used to be."
"Hey, no downers around here. Make your self useful, go make some coffee; everything's on the counter; black is good for me."
I turned off all the lights when the fire caught, sat down on the sofa, pulled off my boots and socks and threw them back towards the door, leaned back, stretched my legs out, my hands behind my head, and zoned out on the smell of wood smoke and coffee...and Barb.
I saw her come around the sofa and sat up. I took the coffee from her and watched her kick her shoes off and settle herself with her legs under her and her knees touching my hip and leg. I let my arm lie across her legs, my hand on the side of one knee, and my fingers in the fold of her leg.
"This is nice. I expected all kinds of Harley stuff everywhere, instead I find an intellectual."
"Hmm. Good coffee. I just ride a bike; I don't sell 'em. As mature wicked to the other part, let's just say that I'm smart enough to know that I'm stupid about a lot of things."
"Like what?"
"Oh, let's see. How 'bout we start with why a beautiful lady; and if you don't mind I'll use you as an example; would let me talk to her like she was a whore; and why would this beautiful lady agree to follow me to my home? That kind of stupid."
"I was so pissed. I tried to get you in trouble but that damn Joker just laughed at me. He grabbed me by the arm, took me to a table full of people I didn't know and told them, 'She wants to know about Nick,' and he left me there looking...desperate."
"What happened?"
"Well, the men all started laughing. A woman named Connie made room for me, and all the other women gathered around."
"Yeah, sounds about right."
"Is it true what they told me?"
"Doubt it."
"They said that you actually like women. And that you are...kind and gentle. That you just talk mean sometimes but don't really mean it, like it was a part you were playing,"
"I don't, and I'm not, and I don't play a part."
"Then why would they say that?"
"I bribe 'em."
"You...you're kidding, right?"
"Yeah. Give me a kiss."
Soft and tentative slowly turned too inquisitive and mature wicked demanding. She shifted position and straddled me, holding my head between her hands, my arms around her, my hands rubbing her back and shoulders when her kisses would explore and holding her tight when her kisses said more. She was hungry. I let her feed. My only thought was to fulfill her need.
She finally stopped, laid her head on my shoulder and nuzzled my neck. Her hands made these little half fists and she slid them between us, just below her breast.
"You kiss good little girl."
"Hmm. It's been a long time since I kissed like that."
I hugged her tight for a second, asked, "Do you have to be home?"
"No, Can I stay?"
"Sure." I gave a couple of light pats on her butt and said, "Come on, let's go to bed."
I walked her into the bedroom, turned on a lamp and the electric heater and pointed to the bathroom. "I'm gonna lock up, be right back."
I banked the fire and put the screen up, locked the door and got the coffee ready for the morning. She was still in the bathroom when I got back, so I stripped down and got under the blankets. She came out still wearing the shirt and hurried to the bed and under the covers.
"Brrr, its cold."
"Come here. I'll warm you up.""
"You're naked! Why are you naked young man?"
"I kiss better when I'm naked. Come closer, I can prove it."
As she came closer, that scent hit me again. Apples, cinnamon, vanilla; whatever it was; made my mouth water and started a hunger that I knew I would try to fill but never would because it would always leave me wanting more.